I Wish I Could Hate You

My hand is itching,
And my gaze is ever wavering,
Flitting,
Back and forth,
To the cell phone right beside me.

It's 2:17 in the morning,
And the urge suddenly washed over me,
Sickening me,
Urging me to call you.

I don't.
There's hardly a chance of you picking up,
Even at a reasonable hour,
Never mind this ungodly one.

I wish I could hate you.

You're a liar and deceiver.
You've poisoned my mind, and poisoned my heart,
And almost rendered me incapable to ever love again.
You've abandoned me when I needed you most—
When I needed SOMEONE—
For your own selfish desires.

I know you still love me, too.
That only makes it worse.
At least if you didn't, you'd have an excuse.
But you've put yourself above everyone else.
You lying, cheating, filthy dog.

Is it any wonder that I've built walls around myself,
When there are arrogant,
Selfish,
Despicable people like you in the world?
Any reason why it's so hard for me to trust again?
To love again?

Damn you.
I'm too good for you.
I always was.
You knew that. Is that why you left?
No. Of course not.
You were only thinking about yourself,
Weren't you?

I hate that I love you.
Every time I think of you,
My heart twinges in agony,
As if the very memory of you is that of a poison barb.

There was once a time when I was happy—
Had accepted it—
Had the courage to move on, and not wait for you any longer.

How long has it been since then?
It feels like decades.

But I know it took even longer,
To form the courage to move on,
In the first place.

And now,
Since you've briefly come back,
Only to disappear again,
The process must start anew.

It will take years of love—
The real kind;
The kind that COUNTS—
From my family and friends,
And ample amounts of courage from myself,
To become the free,
Loving,
Self-assured young person I once was.

I can do it.
I WILL do it.

I wish I could hate you.
Things would be much easier for me that way.
But I know,
No matter how much I try to fool myself,
That I never will.

But it's okay.
I know that,
When the time comes,
I won't need to.

I will survive.
I will prevail.
As me.

And when the time comes,
You'll know just what you missed.